Talk to Me to Let Me See You

That’s how Socratus said to a handsome young man.

And that’s what Mikhail Litvak, a famous Russian psychotherapist, says about beauty. Here’s an extract from his book “How To See And Change Your Destiny”, chapter “Psychology Of Beauty” (I couldn't find it in English, so translated by myself, sorry if there are any mistakes).

“The problem of beauty has been troubling me for long because among my patients there were very many good-looking people with unhappy destiny. Every time I was remembering a proverb: “Better be born happy than good-looking”[…]

I consider that it’s possible to become good-looking. And I seem I’ve found answers on some questions. […]

Educational specialists, writers, poets and psychologists emphasize the fact that a good-looking person gets what he wants more easily. They say that a good-looking person at the same time is the bearer of the best morality, though very often that’s not so. Remember Milady from “Three Musketeers” by Dumas. Her charm almost made yield to temptation an English patriot, a priest and even D’Artagnan himself.

Schopenhauer, a German philosopher, told about perception of beauty by a normal person. He considered that a healthy person would think about another as good-looking, if that another person completes him from physical point of view and has some qualities that make him able to reproduce.

That’s why men with non-perverted taste like women able to child-bearing, means, with wide thighs, small or middle-sized breasts and beautiful skin. That’s understood. Wide pelvis will let a woman to give birth to a child without problems, small or middle-sized breasts is the sign of a successful breast feeding, beautiful skin is the evidence of health. As for features of face, Schopenhauer gave them less importance, he considered visibly slanting chin the only imperfection. […]

Women with non-perverted taste like solidly built men, with well-developed muscles and narrow pelvis. Such men in ancient times were good getters and hunters. […]

Perception of beauty depends on the appearance of the one who percepts. Thin like well-fed, aquiline noses like turned-up noses, brunets like blondes etc. The law is such that a person likes qualities which he’s deprived of. And besides, for survival it’s very important for different genetic qualities to match. No wonder that girls often like foreigners. And whatever we say about patriotism, girls like them not because they’re invaders or something but because those men are “not of these parts”. […]

Before you change your appearance you have to change your temper if you want to avoid unnecessary grief. […]

I’d like to point out the fact about troop of deers. By his qualities a 1-year-old buck can already find a female, but before he will have to fight for his rights with adult males for about 2 years. As he gets stronger he gets more good-looking. Unfortunately, among humans the right for sex is often got by physically underdeveloped and socially immature young men. And if that would be only sex, that would be half the trouble. But then children appear, with doubtful set of genes. That’s how human genetic fund gets spoiled, because its quality depends on men. […] If a man didn’t drink and was healthy for 2 months then the probability of delivering a healthy spermatozoon is high. [...]

But let’s return to the concept of human beauty. Here we see how fashion influences on standard of beauty, and decision of judges often depends on their own tastes and momentary needs.

Certainly, there are some physical parameters of beauty. So, the length from hair on forehead to chin and wideness of face should have proportion 3:2. Circumference of biceps, neck and shank should be nearly the same, circumference of waist should be twice more than the one of neck. Don’t feel bad if you don’t have totally symmetrical face. Even Venus de Milo is not all right in this regard. But that was for the better. When scientists simulated Venus’ face as strictly proportional, it came out that “asymmetric” Venus was much more beautiful than her “symmetric” twin.

And now I’ll try to tell why beauties and handsome men often become unhappy. Those who know my works on psychology of destiny, know which answer I will give.

It all depends on upbringing. And if a low-active character is formed, then, by laws of destiny, a human’s life doesn’t go very auspiciously, even in auspicious circumstances. And beauty, just like money, is a gift if you can use it, but a big grief if you don’t have a proper skill for that.

A great Polish educational specialist, Janusz Korczak, told that a good-looking child should be brought up in a different manner than any other. Beauty can be only an additional factor. Anyway you’ll have to become a high-class pro, no matter if you’re good-looking or not. Very often, especially among women, we find such who use their beauty as their main trump-card and in the beginning of their life they set the problem of “finding a person” (instead of “becoming a person”). That’s why beauties often have heavy step and lack of intellect though it’s considered that life of beauties should be happy.

How it happens that a good-looking person becomes unhappy?

We have two variants: “Ugly Duckling” and “Sleeping Beauty”.

1^st variant. Upbringing goes in terms of psychological casting-off, an Ugly Duckling is formed, who is banished by everyone. In fairytale, he becomes a Swan and finds his family. In life, he also becomes a Swan but won’t find his family, he keeps staying among hens and turkey cocks who consider him ugly. But the worst thing is that he also considers himself ugly and behaves humbly, tries to be unnoticeable, sits in the corner not to be a laughing-stock. […]

Parents begin, children around - finish. I knew one Ugly Duckling who was handsome. But his restraint was taken for arrogance and even good-looking girls didn’t have enough courage to approach to him. He, from his part, also didn’t have courage to court because he was teased by his coevals (for his big eyes – a toad, for his curly hair – a sheep, for redness in cheeks – a girlie etc.). He was feeling very constrained and that’s why he didn’t have success among women… He was successful in one thing – with time he was ill with hypertension, gastritis, dermatitis [all nervous diseases], and almost became an invalid. […]

And now about Sleeping Beauty. You know this fairytale. A princess fell asleep when she was 16. She’s been asleep for 100 years and then married an 18-year-old prince. Many live in this fairytale, especially good-looking people counting on their appearance. Their life is, really, like a fairytale, but when they wake up, they’ve already lost their beauty and youth. Among them, there are men, too. A big difference between Ugly Duckling and Sleeping Beauty is that in the process of upbringing, children are told that they’re very good-looking and intelligent. They know they’re good-looking, they know that a big future awaits for them. Parents and teachers are indulgent to their tricks. A non-good-looking kid wouldn’t get away with it. The trouble is, Sleeping Beauty doesn’t have the skill of working hard, because she gets everything easily. Women of that type become “sweet sirens”, and men become onegins and donjuans (philanderers). Often, they become not bad as specialists, but not as good as they could be if they would improve themselves, would aspire for some high aim.

I have not only seen them. For some time I was teaching at “school of beauty” where pupils were girls from 12 to 16 years old. The aim of their life was “finding a person”. When I asked them if that would be better to try to “become a person” they didn’t understand me at once. They were taught how to suggest love to themselves, they were not taught how to love themselves and others. When I tried to teach them that, the headmaster rejected my service. […]

Asking something, a beauty hopes I won’t deny. And she’s right. It’s hard to reject a beautiful woman! But she doesn’t have the skill of conviction. Another woman knows that to achieve her aim she should develop her inner world, learn how to speak beautifully and earnestly. She will achieve what she wants, will become an interesting interlocutor. With time, her appearance will fade but her inner beauty will bloom. This woman will be the winner in life. […]

If you think you’re not beautiful, don’t feel sad. At least you won’t spend much time on admiring yourself but will pay more time to your inner growth and physical improvement. Then no one will see your shortcomings [and perhaps there are no any?]. Especially a person in love.

For reading: fairytale by Charles Perrault “Ricky Of The Tuft”, a play by Edmond Rostand “Cyrano De Bergerac”.

About Mikhail Litvak: http://www.vivapersona.lt/en/lecturers/show/11?country=lt